More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
