I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
