You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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