Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
they call him Oral-B. enough said
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
