Having a random hookup so left but love u
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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