I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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