I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Randomize
