he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
