Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
sarcasm needs its own font
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
