broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
