he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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