What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
