Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
