apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
he high fived his dick after we had sex
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
