i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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