Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
