i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
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