thus making me awesome and them whores
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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