I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
