pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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