I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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