i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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