I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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