I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
