I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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