Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
