i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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