I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
