I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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