Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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