Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
