hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
