he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
