and my herpes radar will keep us safe
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
