You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
