I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
