just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
