Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
