i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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