Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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