I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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