Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
