I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
