Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
