Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
