my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
