Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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