I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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