You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
