It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
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