it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
ttyl tear gas
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
