i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
